_____________________________
He has been walking the streets for hours,
contemplating his next move. The rain st-
arted 20 minutes ago, but he barely notices.
Such is his current state of mind.
Last month he lost his job. 2 week later, he
lost his house. Three days ago, his car. So it
only seems appropriate that today, in the m-
idst of so much loss..his mind would follow.
I'm sure most men have at one time or ano-
ther contemplated ending their lives. Those
who say they haven't are either rare, or bei-
ng dishonest.
He's been thinking about it for 13 days now.
(yes, he's even been keeping count.) Think-
ing about it so intensely that at some point
he decided today, sometime soon, would be
the day he would finally put his thoughts to
action, and say "fare thee well" to this bull-
shit world, which has been little more than
an infinite series of various disappointments
both great and small.
"Everything happens for a reason. ha!" he
mumbles to himself, remembering what his
aunt Charla said to him last week, during one
of their (what used to be usual) lunchtime d-
iscussions.
Aunt Charla is the deeply religious type, who
considers all things good and bad to be a m-
atter of divinity (i.e. god) working his will t-
hrough people. In her eyes, some times bad
things happen in order for a greater good to
occur, and the tragedies of life help people to
remember the good more clearly, and better
appreciate the peaceful moments.
As a child he used to love sitting at the table,
eating pb&j sandwiches, and listening to that
wise old sage talk about the Beauty, and Glory
of God.
As a man?...He sees the world as a meaningless
pit of randomness and chaos where "shit happens"
because it happens, with little rhyme nor reason
other than everyone has personal freedom, and the
ability to change their mind at any given moment.
(besides, it seems illogical to him that a God cou-
ld endow someone with freewill, yet KNOW all t-
hings before they happened. Such would seem to
indicate a fatalistic universe in which man is little
more than a puppet dancing to the whims of God,
and acting out a pre-written script he has no real
control over.)
Lost in his own thoughts, he doesn't even notice
the man in front of him until he bumps into him,
knocking him flat on his ass.
"Watch where the hell you're goin asshole!" He
screams at the bewildered man, who proves to
be one of the many derelicts who wander these
streets day and night, usually panhandling for
change so they can drink away their sorrows be-
neath one of the 13 intersection bridges in the
area.
The man blinks, and stares at him for a moment,..
then grins a big, toothless grin that instantly re-
minds him of yellow-stained piano keys.
"Sorry buddy. Shoulda been payin attention. It's
this damn rain!" he says. Holding up a gnarled h-
and destroyed by arthritis. "Hurts so damn much
I can hardly think straight half-tha-time..let alone
walk proper!"
"Fuck it. Don't worry about it." He tells the man.
"hell it was probably my fault anyway." he adds,
keeping his voice harsh, but feeling guilty now for
going off on the old man when HE was the one to
blame.
Seeing this admission as an obvious opportunity
to continue a conversation, the old man grins that
tortured, toothy grin again and edges closer to him.
"Say, I couldn't interest you in a winning Lottery
Ticket could I?"...the old man asks, with a slight
plea evident in his eyes. It's the look of Hope, mi-
ngled with thirst, and washed down with a good d-
ose of Desperation...The look of an alcoholic who
hasn't had a drink in a while.
"Bound to be a winner!" the man adds in a brittle
voice of mock cheer, his gnarled fingers clutched
around a wrinkled up lottery ticket for tonight's Pick5.
(if he remembers correctly, the pick five was up to
20 million dollars.)
"ah, no thanks old man. Tempting as it is, I'm
down to my last 15 dollars, and figured I would
go to Lucks Cafe' for a steak. Sort of a last meal
thing, you know." he says.
The old man looks at him strangely for a second,
as if considering how to respond to such an absurd
ending statement. Then the classic grin appears on
his face again and he clucks his tongue.
"Well, I can understand that, but after tonight, your
only concern will be deciding which steak house to
choose from!...Or what to tell your personal chef to
make ya if you don't feel like leavin the mansion. ah
heh!" He says laughing...(a hint of madness entering
into the symphony of hope and desperation that was
dancing in his eyes moments ago.)
Perhaps it was residual guilt left over from going off
on the man a few minutes ago, or perhaps his aunts
"everything happens for a reason" theory was taking
effect without his realization; but whatever the cause,
he found himself smiling at the old man, and reaching
into his wallet, from which he pulled out two 1 dollar
bills, and handed them to the man.
"Hell, who am I to deny an old guy some relief from
his ills?" he asks in mock-cheer rivaling that used by
the old man earlier.
"After tonight it's not going to matter much anyway."
He adds, in a darker tone.
The old man (confusing the implications of his state-
ment) takes the bills from him, hands him the ticket,
and (laughing) says "see there you go! thats the spirit son!"
"after tonight it won't matter much cause you'll be rich!
ah heh! "
He remains silent for a moment and is getting ready
to leave whenever the old man grabs him suddenly,
and with a more serious look on his face says:
"say."
"yeah?" he asks the old man. Trying to keep the im-
patience from his tone.
"When you get to lady lucks ask for Alise,..she's a
good waitress, nice as can be, and a really Pretty
girl if I do say so myself...though I might be biased.
ah heh!"
"yeah. alright. sure. but I'm just going there for the
steak and coffee. Not to talk to some girl...take care
old man. Enjoy your buzz." He says in a dismissing
tone.
"Aye that I will buddy, that I will!, and you enjoy
that steak and coffee..and if youre LUCKY the company
of the Lovely Miss Alise!"
he says happily...before adding:
"everything does happen for a reason you know."
then the little old man walks away at a slow pace.
Surprised, he looks back at the old man hobbling away..
considers saying something to him for a moment,
then shrugs it off, and continues hurriedly through
the rain to the Lady Luck Cafe'.
__
Lady lucks.
________
He knew Alise the moment he saw her. There was
no mistaking it.
Had the old man described her as "a beautiful
goddess poorly concealing her divinity in human
dress." It would have Almost done her Justice...
almost.
She was breathtaking. With long black hair, soft,
pale skin, and bright blue eyes that seemed to
absorb all of the light from the room and reflect it
back to whomever was fortunate enough to capture
her magnetic stare.
He was so hypnotized by her Beauty that he didn't
even realize she was talking to him.
"hey!" she says, raising her voice and clapping her
hands in front of his face. ( but smiling good naturedly
as she did so.)
"yeah, oh, yes. table for one please." he says stupidly.
Choking his heart down with what little spit he could
muster in his dry mouth, while making a conscious effort to
look away from her, in fear he might gives her the creeps.
(that would be the perfect end to the end wouldn't it?
he thinks sarcastically.)
"Alright then." she says. "and what would you like to
drink with that?" she asks him..with her catlike mouth
upturned in a pretty half-grin.
"I..don't care." he stammers. then realizes the stupidity
of that statement and corrects himself. "I mean coffee.
please. thanks. Alise."
She looks at him curiously for a moment, then asks
"do I know you?"
"Ah, no." he says, finding his voice again. (thankfully.)
"uhm..This little old man I met on the street and bought
a lottery ticket from told me to ask for you as a waitress.
You came highly recommended."
"Ohh..I see." she says, laughing.
"Did he have a crooked hand, and walk like this?"
she asks, curling her delicate fingers up, and limping
in a near perfect impersonation of the Old Man.
Laughing loudly, and more forcefully than what would
likely register as sane in most circles, he catches himself
and nods, giving a simple "yep, thats him." as an answer.
"Good imitation by the way." he adds.
Smiling, Alise points him to a table in the corner, and
leads the way before saying: "thanks. we go way back."
" I'll go get your coffee."
"Thanks." He says. Watching her walk away, with an
odd, jittery feeling in his stomach.
"ok..what the FUCK'S wrong with me?" he says/thinks
to himself aloud, earning a creeped out stare from one
of the other patrons of the cafe' sitting three tables over.
Averting his eyes from the bewildered cafe' patron, he
fumbles absent mindedly with the fork and knives on the
table, unwrapping them from the napkin they were wound
up in.
After a few minutes, The goddess poorly clothed in
human dress returns with his coffee, smiling that same
cat-like half smile,..her eyes shining upon him in a
way that makes him feel like the only thing in existence.
"Here you go." She says, putting the coffee down on the
table and quickly running her tongue across the top of her
red lips in an unconscious gesture.
"Are you ready to order yet Mr..?" she asks..
"Corbin, please." He says. Again making the conscious
effort to look away from her, but failing more miserably
than a motivational speaker on doomsday.
"I'd like the porterhouse please. medium rare. With steak
fries, and coleslaw."..He says timidly...adding "if you
have coleslaw."
Alise smiles at this and lets out a small laugh, as if he's
just said something hilarious.
"Of course we have coleslaw!" she says. Then asks
"what kind of establishment would we be if we didn't
serve coleslaw?"
"I don't know." he admits.
A cheap one of ill-repute I guess."..he adds, immediately
wishing he hadn't said something so stupid.
Alise laughs again, changing his wishes to gratitude.
"An honest man, and analytical...I Like that. I'd say you're
a real smash with the ladies."
He can feel himself blushing furiously at this, and takes
a small sip of the still-hot coffee, burning his lips and
wincing slightly from the pain.
"Not so much these days. I'm kind of a hermit."
Alise frowns at this for a moment, then the smile returns.
"Oh well, we all need a break. The storms of life make
sunny days seem better you know."
He feels strangely moved (though disbelieving) of this
sentiment and says " interesting sentiment. Very philosphical."
"Thanks!" she says, beaming from the compliment.
"But my father is owed the credit for it. It's something he
says a lot..kind of a favorite mantra for him."
"He sounds like a smart man. your father." he says, chancing
a quick look at her again, and feeling the same war of butterflies
in the pit of his gut he felt when first seeing her.
"He has his moments, thats for sure." she says..almost
wsitfully now.
"Don't we all?"..he says.
"Yes we do. " she replies, looking down at the table and
wiping away an imaginary speck of something, distractedly.
"some more than others." she adds..
"True. " he says. "oh yeah, some steak sauce too if you don't
mind." hoping to change the subject and direction the conversation
seems to be taking. (he's had enough philosophy to last him two
lifetimes.)
"Oh yeah. you came here to "eat" and not talk." she says
laughing that angel laugh again. "sorry Corbin. you're probably
hungry."
" oh. it's fine. I'm not in any hurry or anything, and enjoy
the company." he says.
"Yeah, me too..I'm a real chatty cat once you get me going,
but I DO need to keep this job, so I should probably get to
it... "Be back with your steak in a few." she says..walking
away before he has a chance to muster any witty comebacks
that would further impress her, and keep that smile going.
"alright, thanks Alise.." he says to himself for the hell of it,
because he likes the sound her name makes rolling so easily
off his half-burned lips.
__
He was beginning to come to the conclusion that seconds
could seem like hours, and minutes small eternities, when
waiting for a goddess who's divinity is poorly concealed
in human dress to bring you a steak.
But after a few small eternities, she returned with plate in
hand, and trademark smile painted on. Gracefully setting
his food on the table.
"There you go Corbin." she said cheerily..before asking
"anything else?"..
He looked up at her for a moment, thinking in his mind "yeah,
You." before looking back down at his plate of food and
offering a simple "no thanks, this should do it. it looks good."
"Alright." she says. "well, if you need anything else just wave
at me and I'll get over as soon as I can. We're slammed tonight."
"Thank you Alise." he says in a way that feels too much like
Goodbye.
"Sure. no problem." "I'll bring you your bill whenever you're
finished." she tells him in parting, before walking off to serve
the patron 3 tables over who looked at him like he was a nut
earlier for talking to himself.
The steak, though great in quality, and cooked perfectly, went
down almost mechanically, and he didn't taste much of it. His
mind being so lost in musings as it was.
Thoughts of Alise kept coming back uninvited all through his
meal. Wondering where she lived, and if she had a husband or
boyfriend she beamed that smile upon during those sacred
pillow-talk-moments shared by lovers.
"What the FUCK is wrong with me?" he asks himself, more
quietly this time. The question is becoming his own mantra.
This Life is truly Ironic,..He thinks. Randomness and Chaos
dancing to the Song that Irony sings, reminding us of just how
pointless everything is, once you look beyond the nonsense
cliche's we use to combat the uncertainty felt when peering
into the face of The Unknown.
After tonight it won't matter though. For there is a CURE for
the Disease Unknown which plagues us...and the cure comes
in many forms..bullets, ropes, cliffs,pills, knives and buses.
(a bus being his chosen method he has concluded.)
Alise returns, breaking his melancholy for a moment with her
smile. Perhaps for others, Beauty can serve as a beacon of
hope, or life raft thrown to lost souls drowning in seas of despair,..
but for him, in his situation, it only serves to remind him of
just how out of reach such beauty is. Something cleverly designed
by those same chaotic forces of Universal Irony to torture him.
"Here's your bill Corbin." Alise says. Sitting the bill down
on the table in front of him upside down, as is the custom in
most cafe's in this city. (a custom he never really understood
but hasn't given much thought to.)
"Thanks Alise." he says..looking at the bill. 13 dollars...damn!
He thinks. Damn! 13 dollars is ALL he has, and he wanted to
leave this Beauty a tip for offering a small reprieve from his
state of Nothing.
"Well shit, this is embarrassing." he says. Hoping to keep
a degree of careless indifference in his tone, but ultimately
failing.
"what is it?" Alise asks, her features peaking in curiosity now.
"I have exactly 13 dollars to my name. Until payday." He lies
shamefully. "I was hoping to give you a decent tip."
"Oh!..well don't worry about that hon." she says graciously,
in a voice that seemed genuine.
"These are trying times for everyone, and I get plenty of other
tips from customers." she adds.
No word in any vocabulary could describe the sense of dread
he feels creeping inside of him after hearing this gracious response
from such a gentle soul. It takes all he has to keep tears of self
loathing, and rage from pouring out; but he manages well enough
and pulls out the Lottery Ticket he bought from the old man earlier.
"I can give you This though. Bound to be a winner!" he says,
handing her the ticket..his voice seething the same mock cheer
the old man had displayed earlier when he was selling the useless
piece of paper that was (in part) responsible for his coming up
short.
"Oh no, really, that's alright Corbin...really..I couldn't, if you
win, you can give me a tip then." she says..smiling.
"If YOU win, split it with me..deal?" he says in a conspiring
tone. "Before quitting your job and running off to the caymens
with a beefy chested cabana boy with more muscle and looks
than brains or good sense."
Alise laughs loudly, and Long at this. Her laughter filling the
cafe' with musical notes of mirth. Then she takes the ticket in
her slender fingers, looks at it a moment, before putting it into
her apron pocket.
"You drive a hard bargain sir, but you have yourself a deal."
The angel says.
Feeling somewhat relieved, (as relieved as any piece of shit
could feel) he smiles his first Real Smile at her, and boldly
takes her hand, shaking it..to sign the Deal.
"Deal." he says unanimously.
"Well, it was really nice meeting you, and I hope to see you
come by again sometime soon Corbin. you've been a hoot!"
Alise says. The smile turning up one thousand watts and blinding
him with emotions he hasn't dared to feel in what seems like
Years.
"same to you Alise, the pleasure was All Mine..really."
He considers saying something more, but Alise has already
turned and walked towards another customer who has come
in. He can hear her same cheery "Hi welcome to the lady luck."
echoing in the background.
He sighs heavily, walks up to the cashier, pays his bill,
and then back out into the pouring rain..broken, alone,
and once again absent the presence of beauty that had
momentarily touched his heart with wonder.
"Well.".."this is it." he says to himself..raising his voice to
challenge the pouring rain. "the moment of reckoning!!"...
"it really was NICE meeting you Alise!!" He adds before
walking directly in front a fast moving, oncoming bus..
Then the world goes black.
___
Epilogue)
__
A beeping noise summons his mind from the blackness.
beep..beep..beep. His first thought is that all of the fables
of hell he was told in youth were wrong...and that Hell is
really just an infinity of darkness with a maddening beeping
which drives the soul mad for all of eternity.
Then his eyes open..and he sees an Angel...a Goddess who's
Divinity is poorly concealed in Human Dress..but standing
next to her is none other than the Devil...The Old man who
sold him the ticket.
"O.K. ..so maybe this is Purgatory instead." he croaks in a
strained, faltering voice. "but the view isn't HALF bad."
he adds...looking at the Old Man to emphasize that he is
the not so good half.
"Welcome back Corbin!" Alise says in a cheery voice that
doesn't fit with the somber atmosphere. "we thought we lost
you there for a while...it's been pretty touch and go."
"lost me?..you mean...I'm not dead?" Corbin asks, stunned.
"Nope. Not Dead." Alise assures him. "just..." she begins,
without finishing her sentence..her eyes lowering with a
look of sadness.
"Just what?" Corbin asks...then soon discovers the source of
her dismay..because he can't feel ANYTHING. His arms and
legs feel detached from his body, and he can barely move
his neck from side to side.
"oh!...shit. No!"...he screams. Panic and despair raising in
his chest, causing the beeping to grow louder and more
torturous,.. like the hounds of hell are on a feeding frenzy now,
and his Sanity is the main course.
"why didn't you let me Die?!"..."why are you doing this to
me??!!!" he screams into the Nothing enveloping his soul.
"But Corbin" Alise cuts in. "there's some good news too!"
she says..trying to make her voice cheery.
"and what the fuck could that possibly be?"
"we won!" she says..ecstatic.
"won what?" he asks angrily.
"The Lottery! 20 million, and ten of it's yours Corbin!"
"What the hell am I going to do with 10 million dollars
now Alise?" he spits.
"I can't even FUCKING MOVE!!" his voice thunders
in the room, causing a startled nurse to rush in to see
what the commotion is.
"Oh, go the hell away!" Corbin spits at the nurse, who
looks at him warily for a moment before leaving the
room.
"Now Corbin." Alise says in a reasonable tone of voice.
A voice that could (under normal circumstances) cause
demons to question their faith in darkness and allegiance
to Hell's throne.
"I know you're upset." she continues. adding "but I've
been going through nursing school, and can be your
live in..if you'll have me. And My father can help."
she says looking to the Old Man who had been watching
everything in silence.
"That's right son. I was a medic in the war too..so I
know a thing or two about it." the old man says.
Corbin stares at the old man in disbelief. Wondering how
such a broken down old thing could help in conceiving
such a beauty as Alise. He is more surprised by this fact
than the idea that he is a newly made millionaire.
Yes, (He thinks.) this life is Truly Ironic...Randomness
and Chaos dancing to the song that Irony sings..but..there
is a cure for the madness...and it lies in two deep blue
eyes of a Goddess whos Divinity is poorly concealed
in Human Dress.
Looking around the room, and into those deep blue eyes,
Corbin cracks his first smile since awakening in this
purgatory and says..
"So Alise..eh...you seeing anybody?"
(the end..which shall pave a new beginning.)
J.Stephen.H.
